Why forcing a smile through real pain can hold us back, and how to cultivate authentic self-compassion instead
You know those moments, or perhaps the people behind them. You might even find yourself falling into this pattern from time to time.
“What’s wrong?”
“Oh, just work stress, financial worries…”
“Well, just think positive. It could be worse!”
On the surface, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to cultivate happy thoughts or aspiring to be an optimistic person. Almost everyone would agree that we all want to feel happier and healthier, both mentally and physically. However, the problem with toxic positivity is that it forces an unnatural, rigid response to the natural hardships of life. When we pressure ourselves or others to gloss over real pain, it can end up doing far more harm than good.
What does toxic positivity really mean?
Being positive generally means having an upbeat, hopeful outlook on life. Toxic positivity, on the other hand, is the incessant pressure to stay happy and cheerful – no matter how difficult the circumstances. Whether it’s a breakup, job loss, illness, or tragedy, toxic positivity demands that we push through and maintain a sunny demeanour regardless of the adversity we face.
Toxic positivity refers to an excessive emphasis on maintaining a positive mindset, even in challenging circumstances, which can lead to negative emotional and physical consequences. While a positive attitude can be beneficial for coping with everyday disappointments, toxic positivity occurs when individuals ignore or downplay valid negative emotions, such as fear, disappointment, or anger. This phenomenon is often exacerbated by social media, where there is a pressure to present an overly optimistic portrayal of life. Psychologists have observed that repressing these emotions can cause stress and hinder appropriate emotional coping, especially during significant hardships, like loss or unemployment. Well-meaning comments like “everything happens for a reason” can invalidate someone’s genuine feelings and create confusion or guilt. Instead, acknowledging and expressing these negative emotions is essential, as it allows for healthier processing and coping strategies. Ultimately, fostering an environment where individuals feel safe to explore their feelings can lead to better mental health outcomes.
– Toxic Positivity, Psychology
What’s wrong with just staying positive?
Not all positivity is harmful. It’s certainly helpful to build resilience so we don’t spiral into despair every time we face a setback. However, toxic positivity becomes unrealistic when it ignores real pain and trauma. By forcing an idealistically optimistic response onto difficult situations, we suppress our authentic emotions – often causing those same unprocessed feelings to crop up later in unexpected ways.
You can run away from the rain, but not from the dew.
– Tanzanian Proverb
What toxic positivity looks like in daily life
During a painful breakup, you might hear comments like, “Just get over it already,” or “It’s been a month, time to move on.” While wallowing indefinitely isn’t the goal, your emotional timeline is entirely personal. It’s okay if healing takes time. To the person who is currently grieving a loss, even if it was a shortlived relationship, these comments can cause further feelings of shame and guilt.
Living with mental health conditions
Those managing anxiety or depression are often met with well-meaning but harmful platitudes, such as, “What do you have to be depressed about? Your life is great. Just count your blessings.” Remarks like these fail to recognise the complexity of mental health conditions.
Navigating grief or tragedy can also be challenging. When facing a loss, people often say, “Everything happens for a reason.” While meant to comfort, this phrase can sometimes invalidate the natural process of grieving genuine pain.
Finding balance and giving yourself grace
Working toward a hopeful, optimistic outlook is a beautiful goal, provided it doesn’t mean denying your current reality. Optimism is about trusting that you can navigate difficult times, not pretending those difficult times don’t exist.
Remember, life is not linear. Good days are wonderful. Appreciate them fully. Challenging days are normal, accept them as part of being human, and treat yourself with gentleness along the way. It is completely okay to feel sad, angry, hurt, or disappointed. Honour your feelings, allow yourself to process them, and extend the same compassion to yourself that you would offer a loved one.
How do you usually handle moments when optimism feels forced?
Images: Freepik
