Beyond punishment: why time-outs should be about teaching, not just consequences

Discover how time-outs can be a positive tool for guiding children’s behaviour with love and patience.

Quick Read:

• The key to making time-outs work is to teach children the “why” without turning them into power struggles.
• Make sure you and your partner are on the same page when it comes to using time-outs as a method for disciplining children.
• If your child is still a toddler, the time-out should be an age-appropriate duration.

What’s the point of a time-out?

Your child breaks a rule, misbehaves or acts out, and you immediately send him to the corner of the lounge for a time-out. “Fifteen minutes! No talking, just stare at the wall and be sorry about your behaviour.”

Time-outs are a tried and trusted discipline method that parents have relied on for ages. On paper, it sounds like a great idea. Sending your child into a time-out essentially stops all engagement for a brief period. It’s helpful to give both the parent and child time to step back and calm down. Some parents may ask children to go into time-out and “think about what you’ve done”. This is a good reasoning tactic as it encourages your child to consider their behaviour, depending on their age and stage of maturity.

The upside of time-outs

• Time-out uses space and distance to effect a positive change. It creates a physical element of separation for a short time.
• When a child is acting out, throwing a tantrum or breaking rules, physically and emotionally “stopping” the behaviour to sit quietly can give them perspective and calm the situation.
• As a disciplining tool, time-out is an alternative to shouting or physical reprimands.
• Time-outs offer you a mental break to step back and refocus your energy.
• It teaches your child consistency when it comes to misbehaviour – your child is clear on the discipline.

Time-outs are not always the answer…

As a form of discipline, time-outs are for self-contemplation (mostly) and very young children may not have the patience or understanding yet to examine their behaviour.

In his book, Time-In Parenting, author Otto Weininger, Ph.D., writes: “Sending children away to get control of their anger perpetuates the feeling of ‘badness’ inside them. Chances are they were already feeling not very good about themselves before the outburst and the isolation just serves to confirm in their own minds that they were right.”

In the same vein, your child could start to see time-outs as simply a way to cool off – without really learning the lesson you’re trying to teach. 

A child is like a tender shoot; shape it before it hardens. – Hausa proverb (West Africa)

Tips to discipline your children

• Don’t use time-out as a way to simply quiet your child. Focus on the lesson and reason. What is the misbehaviour you’re trying to correct and what do you want your child to learn by the end of the time-out?
• Be consistent. Both parents should stick to this discipline method. Disciplining children with time-outs will quickly lose its effectiveness if only one parent uses this method.
• Be proportionate. This means that a 20-minute time-out is probably way too long for a two-year-old. A child at that age is too young and undeveloped in certain areas to understand the point if they have to be still and quiet for that long.
• Does the punishment fit the behaviour? If your child dropped a plate by accident, does it deserve a time-out?
• Choose a quiet, safe space for the time-out where your child can calm down without distractions. It should be separate from areas associated with fun or relaxation, like their bedroom or living room.

Images: Freepik