With more than one child, sibling rivalry is often inevitable
Having multiple kids at home means endless excitement and never a dull moment. Lucky (or not) for you and your partner, you’re both signed up as lifetime referees in the chaos!
Quick Read:
- Conflict is a normal part of life, and sibling rivalry is part of learning to manage conflict.
- Try not to play favourites when it comes to dealing with sibling rivalry.
- Make sure that you and your partner are aligned on discipline methods.
Why do siblings fight?
Children don’t come out fully formed, developmentally confident and assured. As they grow from newborn to infant, toddler to child and beyond, your child’s brain and body both develop each day too. When your child sees you doting over your newborn and not giving him all the attention at that very minute, he doesn’t completely understand that you haven’t forgotten about him.
So, he may act up with a tantrum or demands, throwing and shouting things or trying to create conflict with the other child. Your child’s primary relationship is with you – not his sibling, not yet anyway. You are the centre of his world, so he wants your attention, to feel powerful (like the spotlight is on him). He wants to receive physical and emotional good feelings from you.
As children grow, sibling rivalry can take the form of name-calling, hitting, lying about each other, breaking each other’s toys, fighting over toys and treats, and loud and argumentative yelling. Remember, children have stressful moments too, so sibling rivalry is often their way of expressing those feelings.
Being the peacekeeper
As the parent, it will be your job to manage sibling rivalry until children outgrow the issue.
Try not to compare your kids. Be mindful of what you say and how you say it. Even an innocent comment like, “See how nicely your sister dressed herself today,” could be taken the wrong way by your son if you’re always complaining about his untidy clothes. Competition simply increases sibling rivalry. “Let’s see who can finish tidying up first” might motivate them both, but only one can be a winner in the race for your approval. Change the angle by making them work together to beat the clock, and you’re in a win-win situation.
There aren’t enough hours in the day for your work, family, your own wellbeing, and to fight all sibling battles, so look for small wins. Such as setting up special time with each child whenever possible. If your son loves kicking around the ball in the garden, make this a quick 30-minute date for the two of you, no one else allowed. This way, he gets his time with you and you go a long way in creating lasting bonds that’s unique to you and him only.
The way you bring up a child is the way it grows. – Swahili Proverb
Tips to manage sibling rivalry
- Get creative in setting up an environment of choice and empowerment for your children. Instead of saying that the child who finishes tidying up first can choose the TV programme, give them alternative days for each one to choose the TV programme.
- Have regular family time together where you and your partner focus on building supportive family bonds. One of the best ways to ease sibling rivalry is to teach your children that family is important and a source of love and support.
- “Bad” feelings are normal sometimes, so don’t disregard it immediately if your child says something negative about her sister. Listen to her vent, and then give practical and caring advice on how to overcome her feelings.
- Just as your child needs a space where they can be listened to, they also need enough time and physical space of their own. We all need a place to escape. Each child can find their own private space, or you can assist by setting up appropriate boundaries and ground rules around bedrooms. Model the behaviour yourself, sending out a clear signal that everyone, even mothers and fathers, needs time by themselves sometimes.
Images: Unsplash
