With more than one child, sibling rivalry is often inevitable
Having multiple children at home means endless excitement and never a dull moment. Lucky (or not) for you and your partner, you’re both signed up as lifetime referees in the chaos.
Sibling rivalry is a normal part of growing up. From arguments over toys and attention to constant competition and teasing, conflict between siblings can quickly turn everyday moments into stressful ones for parents. While some level of fighting is inevitable, sibling rivalry can also teach children important life skills like communication, compromise and conflict resolution when handled in a healthy way.
Quick Read:
- Conflict is a normal part of life, and sibling rivalry is part of learning to manage conflict.
- Try to avoid playing favourites when it comes to managing disagreements and conflict between the children.
- Ensure that you and your partner are aligned on discipline methods.
Why do siblings fight?
Sibling rivalry often starts long before children can properly understand or manage their emotions. Children are not born emotionally mature or developmentally secure. As they grow from newborns into toddlers and older children, they are still learning how relationships, attention and boundaries work.
For young children, parents are the centre of their world. So when a new baby arrives or attention shifts elsewhere, it can feel confusing, upsetting or even threatening. A child may not understand why you are feeding the baby instead of playing with him at that exact moment.
Acting out through tantrums, shouting, demanding attention or provoking a sibling is often their way of expressing frustration, jealousy or insecurity.
As children get older, sibling rivalry can evolve into name-calling, arguing, hitting, lying, breaking each other’s belongings or fighting over toys, treats and attention. Children experience stress too, and conflict between siblings is often an outlet for emotions they do not yet know how to regulate or communicate properly.
So, a child may act up with a tantrum or demands, throwing and shouting things or trying to create conflict with the other child. Your child’s primary relationship is with you – not his sibling, certainly not yet anyway. You are the centre of his world, so he wants your attention, to feel powerful (like the spotlight is on him). He wants to receive physical and emotional good feelings from you.
Being the peacekeeper
As the parent, it’s your job to manage sibling rivalry until children outgrow the issue.
Try not to compare your kids. Be mindful of what you say and how you say it. Even an innocent comment like, “See how nicely your sister dressed herself today,” could be taken the wrong way by your son if you’re always complaining about his untidy clothes. Competition simply increases sibling rivalry. “Let’s see who can finish tidying up first” might motivate them both, but only one can be a winner in the race for your approval. Change the angle by making them work together to beat the clock, and you’re in a win-win situation.
There aren’t enough hours in the day for your work, family, your own wellbeing, and to mediate all sibling battles, so look for small wins. This could be earmarking special time with each child whenever possible. If your son loves kicking around the ball in the garden, make this a quick 30-minute date for the two of you, no one else allowed. This way, he gets his time with you and you create another building block in your personal relationship with that child.
The way you bring up a child is the way it grows.
– Swahili Proverb
Tips to manage sibling rivalry
- Get creative in fostering an environment of choice and empowerment for your children. Instead of saying that the child who finishes tidying up first can choose the TV programme, offer them alternative days for each one to choose the TV programme.
- Have regular family time together where you and your partner focus on building supportive family bonds. One of the best ways to ease sibling rivalry is to teach your children that family is important and a source of love and support.
- “Bad” feelings are normal sometimes, so don’t disregard them immediately if your child says something negative about her sister. Listen to her vent, and then give practical and caring advice on how to overcome her feelings.
- Just as your child needs a space where they can be listened to, they also need enough time and physical space of their own. We all need a place to escape. Each child can find their own private space, or you can assist by setting up appropriate boundaries and ground rules around bedrooms. Model the behaviour yourself, sending out a clear signal that everyone, even mothers and fathers, needs time by themselves sometimes.
Images: Unsplash
